Times Square just got a whole lot worse. The tourist magnet, and neon explosion of a neighborhood, always seems to reach critical mass on the annoyance scale when the holiday season begins. People stumble around the streets, flocking to the enormous Toys R Us, or gorging on cheese biscuits at Red Lobster with the enormous rotating crustacean out front. Now there is an enormous bathroom to go along with all the rest of the giganticness. No, I’m not speaking of the MTA Subway System, I’m referring to the second annual Charmin Bathroom.
I’ve always known Times Square was one of the worst neighborhoods to kill a few hours in, but tonight as I waited to see “Rock-N-Roll,” my patience was tested to its limits. I took the scenic tour of Virgin Megastore, complete with music that pumped so ferociously through the loud speakers I reached senior citizen levels of noise irritability. Then it was off to Toys-R-Us, where I admired the Playmobil and longed for simpler times. A quick check at the newsstand led to the discovery that while it’s on its way, my first time in print has not yet arrived. Suddenly, I realized I needed to pee. Then across the street, glowing like a beacon of hope, was the recently erected Charmin Bathroom Building.
Now, without getting into how bizarre it is that they even have this place, let me say that I knew I was in for disaster from the beginning. Like most other businesses in Times Square, the folks at Charmin delegated one unfortunate soul to be a heckler of sorts for the toilet paper empire. There he stood, banging away on a Charmin bullhorn with a drumstick, like a toddler reenacting “Stomp” in the middle of the street.
A quick ride up the escalator led me to the weaving rows of crowd control that made me wish I was getting on “It’s a Small World” at Disney land, rather than just going to the bathroom. That ride would have been a godsend compared to the annoying jingles pumping through the speaker system. On top of pre-recorded music, there were television screens with dancing bears, and an assortment of helpers (aka bathroom cleaners) decked out in Charmin gear. One even had a microphone with which he screamed out the number of bathroom you were to go to, and asked you to “Drop it like it’s hot,” or my personal favorite, “Ready, set, pee.” I wish I were kidding.
While the jingle blasting through the speakers urged people to “Cha-cha-cha-charmin,” I’d prefer to “Sha-sha-sha-shotgun.” As in give me one. Now.
that's really.. different. i feel like it would be one of those places that i'd use to go to the bathroom, but wouldn't be able to go with all the weird music and heckling. >.< such crazy ideas they come up with now. it sounds like it wouldn't be that bad if they limited some of the things.
Posted by: liz | December 12, 2007 at 05:40 AM
drop it like its hot?! ughhhhhh thats so not kosher
Posted by: emma | December 12, 2007 at 09:00 AM
You have got to be kidding me! This is so strange. Who came up with that idea? They should be shot.
Posted by: Natalie D. | December 12, 2007 at 10:33 AM
Although wait, this could be a really good way to get little kids to start using the toliet. This is something they can get excited about. It is like a theme park for todlers learning to use the potty!
Posted by: Natalie D. | December 12, 2007 at 10:35 AM
Ahahahahahahahahahahah...I love it and am so annoyed that I didn't notice when I was walking through Times Square the other night. I bet it's because I try to avoid Times Square like the plague and any time I'm forced to walk through there, I'm too busy seizing from all the neon and dodging tourists to notice my surroundings.
Posted by: Miriam | December 12, 2007 at 12:07 PM
Didn't they have people dressed up as toilets or something like that last year? It's all so bizarre. I find it hard to imagine that anyone wants to go to the bathroom in that kind of environment.
On a happier note, Playmobil is the best. I was at FAO Schwarz yesterday looking at their awesome little knights and dragons type sets. So cool!
Posted by: Meg | December 12, 2007 at 12:20 PM
I went into the Charmin theme park last year and I had nightmares about it for days. I think they had a dance floor and photo opportunities for those who weren't waiting in the very long line. So very creepy.
Posted by: Ashleigh | December 12, 2007 at 10:55 PM
Sha-Sha-Sha-Shotgun.
F******* Hilarious. ( i really h*te your spam filter Matt...... this is the third revision.....)
Posted by: Timur | December 18, 2007 at 11:02 PM