One of the hardest things about being sick the past ten months is the enormous amount of guilt I carry around with me on a daily basis. As foolish as it sounds, there is a part of me that feels I should do nothing but sleep in a dark cavernous room and anxiously await my return to full health. For the first two months of my illness, that was what I did. Hibernating in my apartment took its toll on me psychologically and I realized that I had to instill some sense of normalcy into my routine.
Months pass and the ups and downs continue to come and go. Through an activity log I have attempted to find a correlation between the type of activity I engage in, and the repercussions it has on my health. Not surprisingly, higher levels of physical work, or draining social interactions, leave me feeling depleted. However, after a while I began to see that (to a certain extent) my ups and downs come and go as they please. I need to push on and try to enjoy life as much as possible in spite of the lingering fatigue, nausea, headaches, and brain fog that accompany me as frequently as my extended wear contact lenses; too bad I can’t take the symptoms out as well.
Regardless of the knowledge that I still have to live the fullest life possible while I’m saddled with this dilemma, it’s impossible for me not to feel guilty when I’m doing something that feeds my soul. When I was working, the social part of my life felt earned, while now it stands alone. There are days where mustering up a smile is difficult when I think about how long it has been, and may be, since I have danced professionally. Then I met the trampoline.
When I was a kid, I lived across from a family with a trampoline. I knew it was there, even though I couldn’t see it from the street, so whenever I could sneak away and steal a few bounces I raced out my door and through the trees. My mother was (rightfully) concerned about a young dancer spending time on what could easily be a dangerous device. One wrong landing and you’d fly off like a renegade popcorn kernel onto the hillside.
I spent more time thinking about jumping than actually doing it, and added "trampoline freedom" to a long list of things, such as skiing and bungee jumping, that I would save for later in life. I’ve never been one to throw caution to the wind, but I’m so happy that I did for a few brief minutes the other day.
I never realized how freeing a trampoline could be until last weekend up in the mountains at the Cloud’s house with David. After making our way back from a morning walk, we had planned on going inside to gather our things and then head back to Missoula; that was before David spotted the trampoline.
Before I knew it he was bouncing over to the spring-loaded fabric like a five year old racing for the tree on Christmas morning. He quickly undid his sneakers, grinning all the way, and then began to get a few preliminary hops in. Suddenly he was flipping through the air like a bona-fide gymnastic star and I grabbed my camera to capture the action.
(Sometimes I hate people that are perfectly turned out even while flipping in the mountains. One of my favorite pictures I've ever taken.)
There was no way I could resist for much longer, so I kicked my shoes off and cautiously started bouncing alongside him. We started to gallop around the circumference and I was completely in awe of the scenery that surrounded us. It’s not often that you can jump towards an open sky with enormous mountains towering all around you.
Not only did the mini-adventure result in some of my favorite pictures ever, but it put a smile on my face and got my mind off of things in a way I haven’t felt in the past 10 months. It may have just been for five minutes, but I’ll take it.
(Getting going.)
(Future star of "Billy Elliot" on Broadway?)
(Future star of...?)
(Being abducted by aliens.)
(Alien.)
(Overexcited five year olds.)
(Keri Strugg.)
I had a trampoline until too many of my friends were jumping on it and everyone fell through...haha! Fantastic pictures!
Posted by: Ashleigh | February 22, 2008 at 06:03 PM
David's feet are insanely gorgeous; this was one of the first things I ever noticed about him (duh). We have a trampoline that size, somewhat safer, I suppose, since it has a huge net around it. It is, as you suggest, incredibly liberating; I've even jumped in a dress, after a few glasses of wine. Ours is parked proudly in the front yard; this is significant because we live in a shi-shi neighborhood that generally frowns on such things. (We also have a seven-foot cast aluminum statue of liberty in the back yard by our pool.) So glad you had your moment on the tramp. Did I mention how gorgeous David's feet are? Love these pictures, Matt.
Posted by: Deb | February 22, 2008 at 06:33 PM
renegade popcorn kernel... you crack me up... happy times!
Posted by: emily | February 22, 2008 at 06:52 PM
hilarious! It looks like so much fun, although trampolining scares me a little bit - a gymnastics teacher told me that it could snap your neck really easily (like david's going to do in the last picture).
keri strug used to live in my dorm my sophomore year in college - she transferred in the same year i did. her voice was very high and squeaky, and she's about half of david's height.
Posted by: jolene | February 22, 2008 at 09:27 PM
amazing pictures - love the david in the air ones and deb, i also always notice david's feet! they're so perfect!
that trampoline adventure looks so fun and indeed very liberating!
Posted by: sophie b | February 22, 2008 at 11:18 PM
i'm so happy that you're so happy. you look completely healthy in your pictures. trampoline therapy?
Posted by: lindsey | February 23, 2008 at 10:06 AM
david's turnout is sick
Posted by: jennifer | February 23, 2008 at 11:10 AM
Glad that everyone's enjoying the pictures! Thanks for the support.
That's always been the frustrating part about Epstein Barr Lindsey is that no matter how disgusting I feel inside I always look pretty normal. After ten months you become great at putting on a happy face and carrying on as much as possible because it doesn't do me any good to complain and outwardly manifest my symptoms. It would just make me feel worse.
I wish I felt as healthy as people think I look :-) But I have faith I'll get there someday.
Posted by: M | February 23, 2008 at 11:52 AM
Great post Matty. I love some of your analogies in this post, quite refreshing.
My favorite would have to be the photo captions... classic! "Kerri Strug." LOVE IT.
Posted by: Nick | February 24, 2008 at 05:30 PM