Ranting Details: Live Blogging SYTYCD: 6/17/09

Well, Ranters, we've made it through one elimination. To be honest, I was a bit stunned at how lackluster all the solos were last week--felt any one of the bottom dancers could have gone home--but even more stunning was the elimination of Tony Crotch Briefcase. Honestly, the way the producers are setting these kids up, I think we'd better start betting that whoever gets the most screen time is gonna get shot down as quickly as Mary's face gets shot up with Botox. And really, how can the season improve after last week's Mary-tell-all at the jidges table!? Only time will tell. But I have no doubt that the dancers and talking heads have something special in store for us (and, no, I'm not talking about Katie Holmes). It's time for...So You Think You Can Dance!!!!

8:00- Oh, lordy. Something special indeed. Cat Deeley answered my prayers by countering last week's understated outfit with an ever-so-subtle Christmas Tree-Skirt/Toga/Bow/Tango dress of my nightmares dreams this week. It looks like a maternity dress, except that it's her shoulder that's pregnant with multiples. Maybe she'll deflate as the evening progresses?

8:01- It's bad news that I've already forgotten what half of these dancers performed last week. However, I haven't forgotten Philip..and he starts the night off right with a special shoulder-dislocation intro that proves he's got a future squeezing through tennis rackets on street corners should this whole gig fall through.

8:03- Mary is the Christmas green to Cat's Christmas red tonight. So if Cat is the tree-skirt and Mary is the woozy tree, who's the angel on top? It's a contest between Lil C and Nigel for whoever can sit on Mary's head first.

8:05- The interview packages will lead with each pair divulging "what America really needs to know about their partner." Are these going to be of the, "Evan makes me laugh, he's such a clown," variety? Or the "Evan eats burritos and farts every time he does a ball change," variety. Stay tuned.

8:06- Evan and Randi are up first, and when I pause the DVR immediately after Evan says "Randi has a dog she treats like a child," it freezes on a photo of Randi with the dog's tongue completely in her mouth. Ummm. ALERT: Keep Randi away from your children.

8:07- They'll be performing the Jive this week, choreographed by Louis Van Amstel. (Real name: Bob Andrews.) Starting the night off with Randi decked in a full crotch/butt boa while they dance to "Shake It Like a Tail Feather." Routine definitely has the needed energy, especially when Evan split leaps over an arched-back Randi and almost lands on her face. Evan is definitely one of the guys to watch, in my opinion. He seems to adapt well to different styles and has personality to spare.

8:09- Lil C actually uses the word 'subtle' to describe Evan's performance. Now, I'm a fan of Evan, but there was nothing subtle about his open-mouthed, thigh to the sky performance tonight. Seems the only word Lil C knows the definition to is 'buck,' and his usage isn't even real.

8:13-The judges love Randi. I love that she is almost small enough to be Cat's Mini-Me.

8:16- Melissa and Ade are up next. Cut to clip of Shankman crying after their Adult Contemporary routine last week. Cut to clip of me jumping off my fire escape. Tonight they're working with Sonya, who promptly takes Ade's comb out of his hair and places it in her mohawk. She happens to be wearing earrings as big as hula hoops. May I suggest we light them on fire and see if we can jump a lion through them? Now that's entertainment.

8:20- They begin their routine with Melissa on Ade's back, creeping across the stage and mugging to the camera. (Ugh.) In terms of styling, Melissa looks convincing with a faux-hawk and tattered pink spandex leggings, but she doesn't have the needed sharpness or ferocity to make the routine work as well as it should. Ade lacks length in his legs when he jumps and kicks, but attacks the upper body nicely.

8:22- Lil C: "That's what's buck." Please, sir, no more.

8:23- Cat, requesting a chest bump from the two dancers: "Oooh! Three way! Three way!" The camera cuts to the judging panel and Mary is already naked and climbing out of her seat. She looks confused.

8:28- Sonya is in the audience with different earrings on. Now she's got a forest of dead birds hanging from her lobes.

8:31- Caitlin and my boyfriend Jason are up next. Apparently he used to be a huge Michael Jackson fan, and enjoyed doing the "pelvic thrust." File that one under special skills. Caitlin, on the other hand, loves to do baby voices and Velociraptor noises. File that one under things I never need to hear again. They'll be doing a Shane Sparks hip-hop routine this evening. During rehearsal Caitlin attempts to pull Jason's pants off. Like I said last week: Keep. Your. Hands. Off. My. Man.

8:33- Dancing to "Missin You" by Trey Songz. Routine starts with Jason doing a smooth solo before they join together, center stage and start executing a pleasant number. It feels a little under-choreographed and lacking in excitement. However, Jason does a nice series of traveling knee walks across the stage that add a little variation. It all just feels very...even. Nicely danced. Nothing sensational.

8:35- I'm pretty sure Lil C is more incoherent than Mary. It sounds like he's saying something important (been taking delivery lessons from My Little Debbie)...but in reality? Not so much.

8:36- Mary: "You had so many hard hitting things." That's what she said.

8:43- Jeanette and Brandon are up next. Apparently Jeanette had horrifying teeth as a child, but now looks like a "beauty queen." Brandon has "never worked out a day in his life." Thanks for rubbing that one in, Jeanette. This week they are doing disco with Doriana Sanchez. Prepare yourselves for absurdity.

8:48- Disco apparently equals keeping your mouth open as wide as possible (remember, kiddies, that may have worked when trying to find a date at Studio 54...but it's 2009 now). However, this is trumped by a ridiculous overhead split lift in which Jeanette grabs both of her ankles while Brandon spins her around for far too long. Now, Jeanette is beautiful and all. But this image is almost as scarring as that "Miracle of Life" video I watched in 7th grade. Just not a really flattering angle for anyone's crotch. Some fun choreography from Sanchez including the obligatory tumbling split swivels and leg humping.

8:50-Lil C: "I believe that the primary focus of all obstacles is to induce labor so progression can be born." Ummmm. Yeah. See, I told you I wasn't the only one thinking about childbirth when she did that lift. But, I'd also like to call bullshit on Lil C. What are these critiques?!

8:52- If Chastity Bono is slowly transitioning to Chaz Bono, is Mary slowly transitioning to Fran Drescher? Either that or Roseanne Barr.

8:58- Asuka and Vitolio are up next. They are doing the Waltz with Bob Andrews, who has decided to make it a "lyrical, spiritual waltz."

9:00- Eek. Enya. I enjoy Asuka's dancing very much, but she seems to struggle to find the necessary rise and fall in the waltz at the beginning. They have a beautiful, prolonged lift with her blue dress skimming the ground and rippling like waves. It kind of reminds me of the cover of Easy Listening mix CDs they sold in those wooden stations at Target. (Anyone?) Way to visualize Enya, Bob.

9:04- Mary is crying. "It was painfully beautiful." I think she's speaking of the near future, when we exile Lil C to Mexico with Tyce's facial hair.

9:09-Kayla and Max (Who? Seriously. I have already forgotten so many of these dancers.) are up next. They show a clip of her Muppet-fringe dress from last week and my memory is refreshed. They will be doing a "pop jazz" (your guess is as good as mine) routine by Brian Freidman in which Kayla plays a princess. I'm pretty sure that Freidman thought they were filming Robin Hood, not SYTYCD, as he is in a green open-front (ie bare chested) hoodie tucked into brown baggy-diaper hunting pants tucked into waders of some kind. I'm guessing his bow and arrow is in the corner next to his Blackberry. He's really into this fairy tale.

9:11-Number starts with Kayla (wearing the remnants of Sonya's dead birds) contorting on a couch at the back of the stage while Max weaves his way up to her. Kayla is really one of the sharpest female dancers they have this season. She performs the numbers competently without mugging her way through. This routine feels like hip-hop infused jazz and seems a more natural fit for Kayla than for Max. Favorite of the night so far.

9:13- Lil C: "Dancing is a language...blah, blah, vernacular, Maxim, blah." Please. No more. Seriously, when the dancer is presented as Max on the show, CALL HIM MAX. Lil C, we don't call you by your god-given name, which I can only assume is...Lilonius Crestrenial?

9:18- Nigel: "Max, you really reminded me of a young Kevin Spacey from 'The Usual Suspects.'" Now, I don't know about other dancers, but personally I always got so tired of teachers complementing my lines and technique. What I really wanted to hear was that I reminded them of Kevin Spacey. But not just any Kevin Spacey. 'Usual Suspects' Spacey. Cause there's nothing like being compared to a balding older actor playing the devil.

9:22-Jonathan and Karla are up next trying to rely on dancing rather than deep-v mesh t-shirts like last week. They'll be doing contemporary routine by newcomer Stacey Tookey. Dancing to "Falling Slowly" from the "Once" soundtrack. Always a good choice. Already a vast improvement over last week's routine. Though Jonathan isn't a contemporary dancer, he executes the relatively basic partnering well and finds nice length in his lines and height in his jumps, not to mention how grounded he is when he lands. He looks surprisingly comfortable. Karla looks nice as well, though it was more expected. Both are doing a far more internalized performance than usually expected on the show. Fairly cliched choreography, but one of the better numbers of the night and a nice surprise from Jonathan, who I pretty much wrote off after his lackluster Dance-For-Your-Life solo.

9:27-Mary has a minor heart attack due to the excitement. Perhaps she just realized she's on a TV show. The world may never know.

9:32-Phillip and Jeanine are up next. Apparently Phillip is a "super-nerd" who collects reptiles and is a science major. Consider his 'endearing' level raised. Jeanine has a teddy bear for a boyfriend. Not as in her boyfriend is like a Teddy Bear. Her boyfriend IS a Teddy Bear. Not only does the program display an array of dance styles, but now...an array of sexual fetishes! Speaking of sexual fetishes...they'll be doing a Tony Meridith Tango routine.

9:36- Number starts in the back with both dressed in black, Jeanine looking gorgeous as usual. Philip has a difficult time not making sturdiness in his arm frame look like overall stiffness. Jeanine, though not displaying the most attractive line with her legs, has the attitude down and has a nice sense of musicality.

9:42- Lil C has officially turned into a bucked up Hallmark card. I'm pretty sure his day job is inscribing Precious Moments dolls. Enough, already!

9:48- Final couple of the night: Ashley and Kupono, who is so OCD that he organizes his shoes by the color of the laces and then the colors of the soles. Mary can sympathize as she organizes her pills first by color, then by size, then by the number of dead people she sees while she's on them.

9:50- They're dancing a Shane Sparks hip-hop routine to "Imma Be" by the Black Eyed Peas. (Told you. There will be at least one BEP number each week.) The two are maintaining the unison at the beginning and Sparks's choreography has great musicality, but overall a forgettable routine.

9:53: Nigel: "I love it when Lil C goes off on these beautiful fantasies of flight." Translation: "Please stop bullshitting or I will kick you off the judging panel."

Was anyone else feeling completely uninspired throughout tonight's show? Oof.

Comments

Lil' C's challenges with the English language are more shocking each week. Thanks for capturing his beautiful moment after the Jeanette/Brandon disco. My husband and I spent a couple minutes trying to parse that out and finally yelled "shut up, Lil' C!" at the tv.

Jeanette's overhead split, incidentally, was gross for a number of reasons. The oversplit was just contorted and disgusting. Additionally, she hunched forward in a totally unappealing manner that was increasingly more and more evident with each playback.

Posted by: Michelle | June 17, 2009 at 10:03 PM

I agree tonight was uninspring. Also did anyone think that Phillip kind of looked like Mr. Bean during the Tango? Maybe it was that his pants were short. . .anyhow I still love him!

Posted by: mandi | June 17, 2009 at 10:46 PM

i thought most of the routines had a "weaker half" which makes this week hard to judge b/c then all the routines were on the same level, and nothing great and spectacular really happened. I liked Jonathan and Karla the most (most balanced performance tonight and very surprised by Jonathan), but i don't know if they have the fan base to keep them in the picture...tomorrow's gonna be a nail-biter!

Posted by: starr | June 17, 2009 at 10:58 PM

It's hard for me to predict what the votes will be like, but does anyone else think that Dorian Sanchez is the disco dominatrix? "Dance! dance, I said!"

Posted by: Joanna | June 17, 2009 at 11:50 PM