Can it be? Are we already here? It’s the moment when everything changes. The moment when Mary, Nigel, and the token rotating gay man (that includes you, My Little Debbie!) relinquish all control and let the voters determine who will be Americas. Favorite. Dancer. (I vote for Cat Deeley!) Yes, Ranters, it’s Top 10 time! This is (a super delayed not-even-kind-of-live-blog-of) So You Think You Can Dance!!!
8:01- We start tonight’s show with an epic montage that appears to be for the Olympics. I love seeing how editors can make things so over hyped with a few simple cuts and a quick iTunes search for “Bombastic Music.”
8:02- Here we are folks! The Top 10! My money is on Jeanette right now for the win, although judging from his intro dance tonight Brandon apparently absorbed Philip’s freakish gumby body after last week’s show. (This could make him unstoppable.) Is that how it works? After each dancer is eliminated the remaining dancers all converge like a flock of hawks and devour their bodies in hopes of stealing their powers? Methinks yes. Of course, Cat is sitting in the corner with a dirty martini and a mic in hand. She’s so maternal.
8:03- Note to Cat: I need you to Bjork it up. Seriously. You look stunning. But I need you to get out of these tube dresses. Is it too much to ask that you come out in a Native American headdress one of these weeks? I’m sure you could borrow one from My Little Debbie.
8:04- SPEAK OF THE DEVIL! My Little Debbie is gracing us with her presence on the jidging panel tonight! Can I get an AMEN?! (Side note: minor confusion, as the wavey hair and yellow sun goddess muumuu makes me wonder if perhaps this is actually Beyonce’s mother Tina Knowles with us tonight. My Little Debbie. Always aiming for the sky.)
8:05- It’s possible that Mary Murphy has an abacus around her neck. It’s an easy way to keep track of the number of Botox injections she’s had this week.
8:06- When asked about what it’s like to deal with all the changes this week, Mary launches into a rant about how you never know if someone is going to be shorter or taller from week to week. Yet, by the way she says it I wonder if she actually sees people shrink and grow right in front of her eyes. Perhaps everyone just looks like those giant white wavey tube men you see billowing in the wind outside of vacuum cleaner stores when there’s a sale.
8:07- Drinking game: how many different accents will My Little Debbie sport tonight? Take a shot every time she changes. Double shots if she turns into Mufasa! (She’s uttered three sentences and I think you should all be about five shots into the night.)
8:08- Starting the dancing off tonight with a Bollywood routine for the Top 5 girls! (They’re just like the Pussycat Dolls. Only talented.) I kind of expect to see My Little Debbie just roaming around the studios trying to do all of these routines and occasionally asking to step in to show them how it’s done. I mean, you know she walks around with a drinking jug on her head as these girls are doing in the routine. That’s class, ladies. Water bottles never grace the first family’s lips. And, after all, My Little Debbie thinks she is an Obama.
8:09- Jeanine: “When you do group dances, you associate it with being a group effort.” You don’t say…
8:10- This yet again proves my theory that there’s nothing quite as exciting as seeing people dance in unison and do it well. Add in creepy masks with mustaches on them and you’ve got me sold. Who doesn’t like a bearded lady!? The routine uses the stage better than anything so far this season, as they morph formations from diagonals to triangles to circles to a giant outline of Mary’s face.
8:11- Nigel praises the beauty of all five women. I must agree. What a talented group of ladies. “They’re like hot, spicy tandoori,” he says. Meaning what? They give you the runs?
8:12- Mary: “All I can say is BollyWow!” No, literally, it’s all she can say. She had to come up with that line in order to avoid the embarrassment over the fact that her lips won’t move enough to enunciate ‘Bollywood.’
8:14- My Little Debbie must be orgasming over the fact that she can throw the word ‘culture’ into this critique. Oh. Sure enough: “cultural fusion.” You one-upped me, Debs. Every time. Debbie: “I have to say I’ve been a part of this show for a couple of years…but I’ve been a part of culture since the beginning of time! So suck on that, Mary! Suck on that.”
8:19- First routine of the evening: Kayla and Evan! Tallest girl and shortest guy… should be interesting. Dancing the Viennese Waltz with Tony Meredith and Melanie Midler. Where’s My Little Debbie to show them how to how to handle this height difference? I can just imagine what she’d say: “When I was dancing with the lions in Africa I towered over them; they treated me like their queen. But if you just grab onto that mane and never let go, you can experience cultural fusion. And that’s God’s greatest gift. And by God, I mean…me.”
8:22- Dancing to “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal. It’s nice to see Kayla costumed in an appropriate fashion, meaning not showing her entire stomach. The camera work is making me dizzy, but it’s Kayla’s consecutive, sweeping under-the-arm ron de jambe’s that truly mesmerize me. No sign of the height difference on a step that could look very foolish. I’d like to see Evan take some of the rigidity out of his arms and infuse them with bit of Gene Kelley’s lilt. The choreography really utilizes Kayla’s fantastic extension, which sends her flowy skirt flying all over the stage.
8:24- Nigel spends the whole time critiquing the choreography. Cut to Melanie Midler and her hair is on fire. Oh, wait. That’s normal.
8:25- Mary: “This song was about Power. Pleasure. And pain. Add ‘Penis’ in there and you’ve got my four favorite P’s!”
8:26- Mary: “The gloves are off this week.” If the claws she’s holding up are any indication, apparently when the gloves come off you meet gnarly witch hands. Can’t we Botox those, Mare Bear?
8:27- My Little Debbie is British for this go ‘round. Can we get her different props for each critique? Where’s her teacup?! PROPS! Oh wait, now she’s a Southern Belle. Bring her a biscuit. Scratch that. British again.
8:30- We have our first solo of the evening tonight. Brandon. This could easily turn into a duet if they take My Little Debbie’s safety harness off. She’s gotta get to the studio early just so they can harness her in. It’s a roller coaster, baby. And without those straps she’d be climbing the walls. And by the walls…I mean Brandon.
8:31- As for the solo, it’s one of the best solos I’ve seen this season. There’s more dynamic in his movement than ever before as he explodes into completely unexpected shapes.
8:32- Cat makes a joke about all the girls in the front row wanting to jump his bones. My Little Debbie reaches for her rifle. It’s a cultural artifact, darling.
8:35- Janette and Ade are the next pairing of the evening. Doing a Hip-Hop routine with Beatrix and Geronimo. Watch it, Be and Ge, you’re on my bad side after that rehash routine last week. I need you to step up the originality. I know you can! This week’s routine centers around hypnotizing one another. Janette can hypnotize me anytime.
8:36- Dancing to “Love Sex Magic” by Ciara and Justin Timberlake. Starts with some fun movement using the hypnotizing gimmick as a way for Ade to control Janette’s body. This quickly morphs into a way for him to get her clothes off followed by a few fun moves including a double somersault where they roll over one another. Janette just has a way of dancing with her whole body in a way unlike anyone else in the competition. You can tell she’s thought about how her hair is going to hit on each note and this pays off big time.
8:38- Mary starts cackling for no reason during Nigel’s critique. I’m telling you; she sees everyone as billowy blow up men. Jealous.
8:39- Nigel is “going to try to talk Mary out of her clothes later.” This visual is enough to make me never want to see anyone naked again. Ever. Never again. Ever. Especially when coupled with the noise Mary makes in response, something between a lawnmower and a siren; this may or may not be the noise she makes while orgasming. Holy shit…did I just type that? Speed dialing therapist. Need help.
8: 40- Listen to My Little Debbie breaking new ground every time she speaks. She just threw the words “pimp,” “comb,” and “libretto” into the same sentence for the first time in history. Again we get to experience more accents than a United Nations conference. There are roughly 25 people living inside of My Little Debbie.
8:42- Randi is the next solo of the night. She starts with a pirouette extending into a grand ron de jambe with beautiful suspension, but as the solo wears on she pushes too hard, attempting too many pirouettes and falling out. Why do they make them do these rushed solos? Can’t we give the dancers a minute to build SOMETHING besides a series of tricks?
8:45- Kupono takes the next solo after commercial break. Wearing what can only be described as a mesh nipple cover. Solo goes by so quickly I can’t even form an opinion.
8:47- My Lover Jason and Jeanine are the next couple of the evening, doing a Travis Wall (season 2 runner up) contemporary routine. It’s his first time choreographing on the show, even though he’s taught on the audition tours for the past couple of years. And done drag. Oh, yes, how could we forget the drag performance? The story of the piece centers around long-time friends doing the nasty for the first time. Kind of like when Mary and My Little Debbie will finally take the plunge during the next commercial break.
8:50- Number is to “If it Kills Me” by Jason Mraz. Stars with Jason approaching Jeanine from behind and holding out a necklace. Apparently this is as dangerous as the ring from “Lord of the Rings” as it initiates a pattern of partnering before Jason throws himself to the ground and begins convulsing. Jeanine’s extension looks better than ever before and the lifts Wall has come up with are gorgeous, particularly when they let Jeanine’s legs soar in the air as she rolls over the front of Jason’s chest. Overall an impressive choreographic debut that ends with a slightly extended make-out session. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Get. Your. Hands. Off. My. Man.
8:54- Judges immediately jump to their feet and My Little Debbie raises her arms up in the air and yells “Touchdown” repeatedly. She’s auditioning to be the next John Madden.
8:55- Travis is wearing his best “Saturday Night Fever” outfit.
8:56- Mary is lost for words. And perhaps dies for a minute when she puts her forehead down on the table for a little mid-commentary nap? I’d love to see an Uma Thurman in “Pulp Fiction” moment when My Little Debbie pulls out a ten-inch needle and stabs an adrenaline shot to Mary’s chest. Of course she would just pop back up and start screaming again. Good as new.
8:57- Mary: “I’m ready to pass out. I’m just dizzy.” Thank god nothing’s wrong.
8:58- Mary: “Jason, you’ve just got this little puppy dog face. And you’re just a little puppy dog; I wanna pinch you.” Y’all. She is seconds away from dressing him up in a lady bug costume and putting him in her Louis Vuitton bag while she parades around Melrose.
8:59- She launches into her hot tamale schtick: “I hear something coming! I hear something coming! It’s coming!” How great would it be if she stood up, turned around and farted? Always keep ‘em guessing, Mary.
9:00- My Little Debbie: “This show is evangelizing dance in a way that nothing else has.” Holy shit. Debbie not only thinks the sun shines out of her ass, but her yellow outfit tonight proves she believes she is the sun. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, My Little Debbie lights the world.
9:04- Melissa has the next solo of the night. Pointe shoes are back on. She’s really grown on me through this competition and tonight’s solo displays a beautiful sense of breathing through the movement. She stretches every extension out to the last possible moment and always manages to take the position an inch further than you initially expect.
9:06- Evan starts his Broadway solo with a phenomenally high split jump off the stairs. Despite a great music choice, Rufus Wainwright doing Judy Garland, he can’t seem to find any memorable moments. Technically it seems off; the tux jacket makes his shoulders look like they’re up by his ears and all of his positions are almost right, but not quite there.
9:08- Kayla is up next starting with a ridiculously high side extension. We all know that she has legs that split as wide as possible without breaking a hip, but it’s yet another rushed solo. One exciting move (a one legged drop to a lunge before she rolls backwards) in the midst of the chaos.
9:12- Cat: “We always ask a lot from our dancers, and tonight is no exception. They’ll perform four times tonight: once in a group, once in a solo, once in a duet, and once in Nigel’s dressing room after the taping has finished.”
9:14- Randi and Kupono are the next couple of the night. Doing the kiss of death, also known as the Paso Doble with Tony Meredith and Melanie Midler (who speaks for the firs time ever in one of the package interviews!!! It’s a landmark night, people!).
9:15- Starts with Randi on Kupono’s shoulder, arching backward before he spins her around. She’s wearing a wig that makes her look like a long lost extra from ”Zorro.” The lights are flashing with such ferocity I can’t help but fear Mary is having a seizure in her jidging seat. A few clunky moments in the partnering and very little chemistry, coupled with a final pose that finds Kupono ramming his crotch into Randi before she falls over onto the ground make me fairly certain these two are the couple in trouble tonight.
9:17- Mary: “I didn’t believe the wig.” Isn’t that kind of the pot calling the kettle…?
9:19- Mary reaches over to Debbie and jolts her as if using paddles in an E.R., as a way to demonstrate “passion.” (One of her four P’s! Don’t forget it!) But from the way My Little Debbie is reacting I can’t tell if she’s playing along or pissed as hell that a commoner entered her “Goddess Space.”
9:20- Ade is shirtless and dancing to “Unchained Melody.” Only he’s dancing as if he has eight times as many beats per minute as he does. Finishes with a beautiful tumbling pass. Why am I never drawn to him in his duets? Yet he continually impresses me with his solos.
9:25- Jeanine is doing her solo next and is dressed in yet another skimpy, unflattering costume like last week. For such a beautiful girl, she really doesn’t know how to costume herself. A few nice jumps, one sloppy fouette combination and I’m left feeling frustrated for these dancers as they’re expected to cram so much into so little.
9:27- My Lover Jason is up next and it’s clear from the beginning that this will be one of the better solos of the night. He has taken the time to construct a bit of choreography rather than a barrage of tricks; he’s certainly had a good night. Still nervous he’s gonna end up as Mary’s lap dog…
9:32- Melissa and Brandon are up next as the final couple of the night. They get stuck with Diborio butchering another American classic: “Hair.” Looks as if he’s taking the most obvious route and making a sexual piece based on the show that deals with sexual liberation. Ugh. I just want to see a performance by the current, amazing Broadway revival cast.
9:34- Dancing to “Aquarius” sung by the fantastic Sasha Allen. Starts with some floor work; meditation style. And lookie here: a running circle around the stage. Stunning, I tell you. Both dancers look technically decent, and in all honestly it’s one of Diorio’s better routines; captures the sense of freedom and joy the musical is based around.
9:36- Nigel: “I guess this was the period where white girls danced with black guys.” Oh, lordy. Here we go again. Yes, Nigel. That doesn’t happen anymore. Ever.
9: 38- How much would you pay to hang out with Mary in the ‘60s? I’d probably sell my first born.
9:40- Mary and My Little Debbie start chanting “Sock it to me” as they grab each others’ hands. Who brought the tequila, ladies?
9:41- Interesting that Janette is more boring doing her own style than she ever has been on the show.
9:47- Top Five guys are closing out the night with an African dance number! (My Little Debbie is having a heart attack. It’s culture, baby! It’s history! It’s life, darling.)
9:48- The choreographer is explaining how the whole piece will be about bragging to “this woman.” By “this woman” I can only assume he means My Little Debbie. She will clearly be sitting naked, covered in fruit in the middle of a fire pit. Let the festivities begin.
9:50- Well. I’m just gonna say it. Evan looks a litttttle out of place.
9:52- They start by charging at each other and doing a series of flips and rolls. Ade and Brandon seem to find the best mix of hitting hard and finding fluid moments. Fun patterns like in the girls dance but the structure and synchronicity is missing here.
9: 53- Cat while surrounded by sweaty naked dancers: “I feel like we should be a band or something.” Deeley and the Deelights?
9:54- Nigel: “Everyone who knows me knows how much I love African dancing. I love how it is aggressive and scary and has black people. Scary, aggressive black people. And I love black people. Everyone who knows me knows that. Me and black people are like Little Debbie and culture.”
9:55- Get ready for My Little Debbie to preach it. “We’ve gone to Africa. This is the mother of them all. Your work was so pure and so authentic. Just like my multiple personalities.”
9:56- A final note: My Lover Jason…if you’re ever looking for votes, remember this moment. Take your shirt off, stand center stage, and clap. It’s your glory note. Kisses.
So there we have it, Ranters! The most epic recap ever! It may have been delayed but hopefully it still entertained. Until next week…
Overall rankings:
1. Janette
2. Brandon
3. Kayla
4. Jason
5. Jeanine
6. Melissa
7. Ade
8. Kupono
9. Evan
10. Randi
Touchdown! Inexplicable dance commentary owing entirely to New York City Ballet incorporating the Ickey Shuffle on their workout dvd.
Was that Sonya leaning up to congratulate Travis? Nicely done.
Posted by: Julie | July 16, 2009 at 08:09 PM
So listen. I have long been a supporter of you and Jason's initials getting carved in a knotty tree somewhere but after last night, when he danced to Muddy f'n Waters? I now insist you get married and let me carry your children.
Posted by: Beckylooo | July 16, 2009 at 08:22 PM
Best moment of the evening: the African dance choreographer makes his "this woman" comment to the guys. Evan furtively glances at Jason, as if to say, "Not only dancing but acting, too, huh?"
I'm in agreement with your rankings. And I miss Phillip (but not babushka Phillip).
Posted by: Rob Kendrick | July 17, 2009 at 01:36 PM
Wow! Epic, indeed! You've outdone yourself with this one. Thanks for the giggles!
Posted by: Valerie | July 20, 2009 at 12:40 PM