Well, Ranters, after a week away from one of the most lackluster seasons in memory I'm back and ready to dive into critiques like a Beverly Hills surgeon diving into Mary Murphy's wrinkles. Of course there were moments I was sad to miss the chance to comment about: the fact that they did the show's first-ever classical Pas De Duh (as Cat said), the fact that Sonya gave Kayla and Kupono her best routine to date, and the fact that Mia Michaels made an appearance on the jidging panel wearing Bozo the Clown's face. But no time to lament missed opportunities! It's time for So You Think You Can Dance!!! As Mary would say: if you can't see that this is a great show...you must be deaf!
DISCLAIMER: Working without a DVR tonight, so forgive any misquotes/complete embellishments.
8:00- It has come to my attention that Cat Deeley is completely responsible for selecting her own wardrobe each episode. I appreciate a bold woman who takes risks...like Marie Antoinette. Or Ryan Seacrest.
8:01-Apparently she's in mourning for Michael Jackson, hence the classic black dress she may or may not have bought from Janet after yesterday's funeral.
8:02- It's starting to get slim! Only 12 dancers during the intros this week. Jeanette shows off her gorgeously long legs, but it's once again Phillip who manages to capture the attention with his rhythmic popping.
8:03- Tyce Diborio and his renegade facial hair are strapped behind the jidging panel tonight. The only advantage of him barking BS at us for a few hours? We won't have to watch his dances. (Thanks for that one, Beckyloo!) I wish Mary had grow her facial hair out in the same Trojan chin strap style...they would be twinsies.
8:04- First up are Melissa and Ade doing a Doriana Sanchez disco routine. I'm pretty sure Sanchez gets most of her imagery when she's laying on her bed staring up at a ceiling fan after a long night at Hooters with Mary. Number is as a fast and frantic as ever, and they start the lifts off with one that finds Ade's face buried in Melisssa's crotch. Ade shows incredible strength with little to no preparation for overhead work. Melissa has good energy tonight but isn't varying her weight placement enough, it seems to be all on the balls of her feet like she's still wearing her pointe shoes from last week. Lesson of the night: disco is obviously all about splitting your legs as far as possible.
8:06- ABT shout out!!! They're in LA doing "Romeo and Juliet" next week and Nigel wonders if during their intermission they will do disco to demonstrate they're as versatile as Melissa. Nope, they'll be resting. Melissa is obviously way better than every dancer in the world. Ever. Thanks for clarifying, Nigel.
8:08- Mary is talking about needing a pick me up, and judging by her half-hearted scream in which her mouth opens only about as wide as a pill bottle (I like to speak in forms of measurements she can understand) it's clear someone forgot to slip her a hit of X before the show.
8:09- "Disco 1970s; it's not just store bought," says Tyce. Whatever. All I can focus on is the fact that his chin strap apparently has patches missing. I think Mia shaved a strip off to use as an eyebrow after hers were pulled to the back of her head during a recent facelift.
8:15- Kayla and Kupono are doing a Mia the Clown routine this week. It's about "addiction." Hmmm...is Mia giving us a glance into her soul? Addiction to chunky highlights? Addiction to words like 'grounded' and 'weighty'? Addiction to having more facial surgeries than Mary? Number is to Sara Bareilles's "Gravity" and starts with Kuopono standing as a menacing figure and manipulating Kayla into a series of gorgeously extended lines. Both seem to be getting into their characters better than ever before and the dance really comes alive with a series in the middle in which Kayla literally hurdles herself to the ground repetitively. It's one of Mia's more melodramatic numbers, but it's also a clear indication that she's miles above everyone else choreographically.
8:16- Kayla is really working the pale druggie look. She may or may not be Dakota Fanning.
8:17- Tyce starts critiquing about actors and dancers and dancers being actors and facial hair and being in their body. With all the disconnected thoughts I almost think I'm listening to Sarah Palin's resignation speech.
8:20- Jason and Kaitlin are doing foxtrot with Tony Meridith and Bette Midler this week. Kaitlin looks gorgeous in a emerald and diamond floor length gown. Jason, in a suit, is as a dashing as ever. But where there should be oodles of sex appeal there are instead empty steps. Kaitlin has a nice flirtatious moment where she drops to a lunge and pulls her eyes up from the floor, but she continually seems concerned with getting to the next pose and not filling out the in between steps. Beautiful lines as always.
8:23- Tyce may be wearing more makeup than Michael Jackson in his last family portrait. When he eye-fucks Jason during his critique it's clear why he put his fancy face on.
8:30- Jeanine and Philip are doing 'the Kalinka' with Russian folk choreographer Youri Nelzine. They are stirring each other with what appear to be nunchucks in rehearsal. Starts with a diagonal for each dancer doing axel turns. I just wish they were in a giant Russian doll costume. This shit is more cracked out than "It's a Small World" and the dancers look about as confused as eight year olds on stage for the first time. Waiting for Jeanine to mouth "hi mom" to the camera. Number gets faster and faster as they keep dropping to their knees and spinning before executing more paddle turns than Wonder Woman's transformation dance.
8:32- Nigel's critique basically admits it was a terrible choice to throw Russian dancing onto the program. Most lucid he's been all season. But it seems incredibly hypocritical to assign dancers to do Russian folk dance and then talk about what a bad idea Russian folk dance was.
8:33- Mary to Jeanine: "When you tumbled across the stage and looked right at me...I feel in love with you, and you will be getting a first class ticket to my dressing room couch tonight! Yes, you will! WOOO!"
8:34- Tyce's resting position is with his hand on chin strap. I imagine him being like Gollum at night and staring in the mirror, petting the remaining facial hairs while cooing "My precious." There are so few left, he's gotta treat them well.
8:36- Beatrix and Geronimo are back doing a routine about.... pregnancy? It would be great if her belly inflated periodically throughout. Dancing to Beyonce's "Halo" and the number starts with some of their typical unison choreography in which they keep it simple while playing with having the dancers face different directions. Enough variation to keep it interesting to the eye. I'm upset to say, but I feel like I've seen every bit of this choreography before. It appears to be a rehash of "No Air" from last season with none of the emotional connection from the dancers. Doesn't help that the song is produced by the same person. Number ends with Randi locking her leg around Evan's head as if to say: "You're gonna raise this baby, damnit!" She just turned into a wrestler for .5 seconds.
8:40- "Such good storytelling by Tabitha and Napoleon," says Tyce, trailing off at the end of the sentence. If only he was as committed to these compliments as he clearly is to his spray tan regime.
8:47- Brandon and Jeanette up next doing Argentine Tango. They are nose to nose from the moment the routine starts and you can practically feel their breath on each other. Jeanette has quickly become one of my favorites, as I sense her commitment at all times; she never fails to impress with the intricacies of her footwork. Each small flick of her lower leg hits with exactly the right accent. Best ballroom routine in recent memory, despite Brandon's costume which is far too bulky to be paired with Jeanette's barely-there red dress.
8:50- Nigel stands up and Mary shortly follows, looking confused as always. Tyce stands up, unwillingly, as it shows that he could probably fit in Mary's cleavage. Pocket gay...
8:52- "Well let me say, the temperature sure is rising in here!" That's menopause, Mary. Not the routine. "You're flawless, flawless, fabulous, hot," she continues. Her mouth gets wider and wider with each word until I almost expect her to cough up a hairball or bend over Tyce and regurgitate food to him like a momma bird feeding her young.
8:53- Mary starts shimmying and Tyce starts going too, before his tongue gets the best of him and he momentarily turns into the girl from The Exorcist. I need a therapy session right now. Most. Disturbing. Image. EVER. Thank god he didn't pull out a crucifix...
8:57- Melissa and Ade are up again, crying about what they'll miss about each other when they are forced to dance with new partners next week. Their final dance will be a waltz with Ron Montez. Melissa seems more emotionally connected than usual, and is using the knowledge of waltz turns from ballet to her advantage; very fluid and seems to really be looking her partner in the eyes. Almost knocks her head on the floor during a dip after final lift, but overall a solid routine.
9:02- With all the noises that come out of Mary Murphy, I'm amazed they haven't marketed a Mary Murphy alarm clock.
9:03- "You're like a fine wine, Melissa." Leave it to Mary to use alcohol as an analogy.
9:04- Cat calls Tyce a "Brooklyn Brownie." I call him a tool.
9:05- Kayla and Kupono are doing a Joey Dowling Broadway routine. After last week's lackluster "Rich Man's Frug" rehash I'm not entirely convinced that Joey Dowling isn't Tyce's drag pseudonym. They're performing to "Dance at the Gym" from West Side Story. So You Think You Can Dance: butchering classic American Musicals one jazz hand at a time. Although to Dowling's credit, it's better than Diborio's work, as she seems to be making a conscious effort to re-contextualize the piece. She uses the classic music and doesn't try to update Robbins's work; instead she lets the dancers execute something that while lightweight has a nice sense of playfulness. How is it that Kayla doesn't have a solid fan base yet?!
9:06- Nigel on the period in which West Side was created: "Life at that time was dangerous! Everything was in contraction. But it was way better because those gays were all underground."
9:09- Tyce: "West Side Story is timeless. It's timeless. That's why I butcher it every chance I get."
9:15- Jason and Kaitlin are up next. Apparently Jason gives good hugs. My number is 646.HUG.MEEE. They're doing a Mandy Moore lyrical jazz routine. "It's the kitchen sink routine," she admits. "You've got everything: floor work, partnering, and really, really outdated musical choices." Jason is shirtless. Forgive me if I stop typing for a few minutes. They don't do much but roll around on the floor for the first 30 seconds. Once they get going though it's one of the nicer Moore routines we've seen. It gives Jason a chance to show his line rivals that of his partner. A few nice jete lifts that have a buoyant quality to them.
9:26- Jeanine and Philip are dancing the Jive with Tony and Bette as their final routine together. Dancing to Bette Midler. I'm confused why they don't have her singing on stage; she was in the studio with them. Routine finds Jeanine in an out of place tutu/ bra combo that has more fringe on it than a whore at the Western Montana Fair. Their energy is great and the number is a much needed improvement over their first routine. A series of fun flip lifts to end things before Jeanine almost head butts Philip with a weave that only could have come from My Little Debbie's collection of synthetic hair, coming soon to a Claire's Boutique near you!
9:31- Mary on Jeanine: "I can guarantee you she's gonna be here next week! Yes, I can! Because she's gonna come to my dressing room tonight and work hard for her spot! Yes, she will!" This girl was on fire tonight! Just like my crotch!" WOOOOOO!"
9:33- Moment of truth: I find Tyce's constant half-assed compliments of fellow choreographers more than a bit uncomfortable. Just sayin'.
9:35- Commercial-break observation: I really wish Mia would just randomly pop up in one of these ads for More to Love, which looks like possibly the most insulting show since The Swan.
9:37- Randi and Evan are doing the first Pasha and Anya routine of the season. Starts with a great move where Randi flips over Evan's back and then ends with her legs wrapped around him. She appears to be a little self-conscious, when really she should just own it as she looks great in the costume and can clearly do the steps. Would be nice to see her pull her turns in a little tighter as to offset some of the more fluid footwork. Evan did what a partner should and fed his energy to his lady, fueling her confidence and helping her gain her footing as it progressed.
9:40- Mary: "It may not have been hot, but it was a slow sizzle up there." I feel confident that she can judge this, as I'm sure she has chemical peels and is used to body parts sizzling off on a regular basis.
9:43- Mary: "You've got to FIND A LITTLE FIRE DOWN THERE!" You can do it! I know you can!" Great. Now she's bringing back lines from her days as a phone sex operator.
9:50- Jeanette and Brandon get to end the night with a Wade Robson jazz routine about two thieves, one calculated and one crazy. Wade looks enormous next to the two of them in rehearsal. Wade: The Genius Giant. Dancing to "Ruby Blue" by the fantastic Roisin Murphy. Starts with them doing one of the best uses of the staircases ever as they jut their legs out in a series of traveling slides, egging each other down to the main stage. It's amazing how effortlessly Robson creates characters with his movement. Slinky when they need to be, sharp and angular the next moment. Almost impossible to define, as it incorporates some of the harder hits of hip-hop with some of the characterization of a musical theater piece. Best routine of the season so far. By far the best couple of the night.
9:53- Sometimes Mary gets so excited that I worry she's gonna rip her face. Speaking of ripping faces, I'm pretty sure Diborio must be ripping his face off after being forced to watch Robson's incredible display of talent.
9:54- "God. I'm getting dizzy tonight, I don't know what it is." Really, Mary? I have a few guesses.
9:55- Tyce: "Wade has been such a strong voice in our industry, and I'm inspired alwaiiiit where's my mirror?" (Slips out of chair and runs for the exit.)
Well, Rant Heads! At least we got a handful of truly stellar routines tonight. Nice to see Mia and Wade deliver as we know they can. Until next week...SPREAD THE RANT!
Seriously, what the hell was Tyce talking about making fresh orange juice?! HA!
Posted by: Ashleigh | July 09, 2009 at 12:52 AM
Realizing that this may take several years off my life or even consign me way, way down in hell--even below the circle where they have to have the best parties--I will stick up for Trice, since he actually called some of the dancers out for holding back. And, agreeing with our gracious host, I'm ecstatic we didn't have to wince through his "choreography." She Who Must Not Be Named and the English muffin were feeling much too generous tonight for my taste.
Brandon and Janette rock, eh? Robson's piece wasn't half bad, either.
Posted by: Rob Kendrick | July 09, 2009 at 01:21 AM
It's apparent that being a choreographer and having a command of the English language are mutually exclusive.
My favorite rant yet.... you are the funniest SOB in the world!!!!!!!
Posted by: Cindy | July 09, 2009 at 08:33 AM
Your week off was worth it because this was the funniest column you have ever written!
Posted by: Jen | July 09, 2009 at 10:19 AM
So glad I can come and read this since my cable sucks and I only got to watch the first half! Boooo.
Posted by: Natalie | July 09, 2009 at 11:26 AM
Could you also start blogging "I Survived A Japanese Game Show"? Compared to that, watching SYTYCD is like reading Kierkegaard.
Posted by: Larry | July 10, 2009 at 12:58 PM
Most. Disturbing. Image. EVER.
I could not wait to hear what you had to say about THAT strangely hypnotic dance of presaged soul-sucking terror. That relentless shimmy of insane intensity. I couldn't avert MY EYES! MY EYES! Still chuckling.
Posted by: Julie | July 12, 2009 at 04:54 PM