As you no doubt noticed, I failed to recap last week. My apologies, Ranters. I just couldn't bring myself to come up with anything witty when Vegas was calling my name and the performances on my screen were as dry and stifling as the desert air. So in lieu of my typical play-by-play let me offer this concise opinion of last week's episode: this show is dead to me. Dramatic? Yes. But what else would you expect from a commentator whose main objective this season has been to bring attention to Keith "Tyce" Diorio's facial hair. With the absence of Janette and the outing of Ade (whose solos were some of the best the program has ever had) in favor of Brandon and Evan I have given up all investment in a season that was already the most lackluster in the show's history. But that doesn't mean I can't enjoy one last hurrah. So here I sit, ready to sink my claws into Mary's skin and see how much orange residue ends up on my nails. It's time for SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE! (Sidenote: DEELEY FOR THE WIN!!!!!)
8:00-Cat is all golden tonight. But this tight shimmery mini-dress is nowhere near as explosive as I need it to be for the finale. I need some nipple tassels or something.
8:01-Let's hope that Janette has miraculously rejoined the final 4.
8:02- Cat: "This set is amazing! But what is missing?!" Umm... the good dancers? (JANETTE!!!!)
8:03- All the dancers get full-stage solos for the intros and Jeanine starts things off in predictable slutty fashion. She's gonna win.
8:04- First shot of Mary and she looks like a tomato that's in mid-dice. I'm not talking about her face. Just her dress.
8:05-Adam Shanksmen is back for the final jidging of the season! Hooray! Where has he been? Making sweet love to My Jason?
8:06- Even Shanksmen admits that most of the people that should be here aren't here. Amen.
8:07- Mary: "Dancers feed off my face of this energy."
8:08- "If this was the old west they'd be stepping out with guns on their hips." (Huh?) Where's my gun? I can think of a few people I'd shoot. (Keith Tyce!)
8:09- Top 4 are starting the night off with a Wade Robson routine. Hurrah! Two football jocks hit on two hardcore cheerleaders. But who cares about that? I want to marry Wade. Can we get more rehearsal footage of him doing his own choreography? Dancing to "Boys Boys Boys" by Lady Gaga. Evan and Brandon start by flirting with the two ladies by pleading on their knees. Both fail to hit as hard as they should . No surprise there since neither has excelled in this department. Jeanine really does a disservice to herself by mugging all the time. She's a much more talented dancer than her face choreography suggests. Yep. There's the problem: she choreogreaphs her face....a clear example of how competition dance butchers potential. Both she and Kayla are wearing SYTYCD dance jerseys. Can I wear a Team Jeanette onesie? That's really all I can think about since this one of the more pedestrian combinations Robson has ever choreographed. Perhaps he's uninspired by these dancers?
8:10- Cat teases with a "sneak peek at something special." A better season finale? Nope. Just a preview for next season. This season has drained me so much I may need to call Mary/Mia's doctor for some "rejuivination."
8:15- Cat: "I'm glad you're all still with me." Seriously. How did we all not shoot ourselves.
8:16- Evan and Jeanine are up first doing a jazz routine. Sonya is choreographing a piece about a man who is trying to keep his girl. "Evan is the ideal punching bag," she says. No, Jeanine, that's your place in my heart. Number starts with Jeanine running for the front of the stage. Maybe she'll just run off and we can get Janette out there? She does look pretty great in this blue/purple biketard. But it doesn't stop with the costume; she has some nice accents with a head cock as she travels on a diagonal away from Evan before tumbling over his back. In all honesty, she's dancing well tonight and not overdoing it in this combination. But there's still no real emotion coming from any of these dancers. Doesn't help that the piece maintains one level throughout. Gives them nowhere to go.
8:18- Adam: "It's like a bunch of nevers: I never saw Jeanine coming. And you have dominated week after week." What he really means to say is that she's looked like a dominatrix each week.
8:19- Adam: "It's not just important to entertain our mass audience. It's important to give me lap dances, Evan."
8:20- Mary's wearing a dripping pearl necklace. Sorry. Had to go there.
8:26- Cat is sitting down with each dancer for an interview. First up is Brandon. He misses Janette the most. Well, imagine that. One of the best moments he's had all season. They start talking about Mia and we get a clip show of her clown face. "I think I have scared the *bleep* out of you," she says. That's one way to put it.
8:28- He has the first solo of the night and it is typically frantic and, although technically impresssive, a bit...tight. I want to know if they have coaching sessions for these final poses. He is sitting in a center split making sex eyes at the audience. I think he might actually just need to poop.
8:29- Adam: "Wow! That was a very take no prisoners kind of thing. But make me your prisoner."
8:30- Mary: "You gave me goosebumps right now!" Her skin still has sensation? Most impressive thing about this finale so far.
8:35- Kayla and Brandon are up next doing a routine by... drumroll, please...TYCE DIBORIO! He's doing something from "All that Jazz" and taking it to a "showy place." Wait. I'm sorry. Did the editors really just cut from Kayla saying "It's his last routine of the season" to Tyce saying "That's really great." Best editing of the year. Hand them an Emmy NOW! Dancing to "Bye Bye Love" and wearing enough black sex wear to make Jenn Jameson jealous. Kayla looks stunning with a long pony tail. But this routine has far too many jazz hands for 2009. Tyce certainly is getting Kayla's legs up as he has her extend and then has Brandon flip her around. I can't focus on the dancing because I thin they just reusing the table from the Sabra/Neil duet. Yet another reminder of how much better that season finale was. The two dancers really start to get out of sync at the end of the routine, losing connection on their turns in second.
8:38- Adam gets up and freaks out about how good it was. Only logical deduction? He's f-ing Tyce.
8:39- I truly believe that if Kayla didn't look like Paris Hilton she would have this thing in the bag.
8:40- Fact: Mary went to every CVS in the LA area and bought all the self tanner available.
8:41- Nigel fails miserably with his reference to "hopping pirouettes" in second. Ummm. Okay, Bunny.
8:42- Nigel to Tyce: "You're the only choreographer I know named after a coookie." What cookie is that? The Douche Wafer?
8:43- First Nigel brought up his divorce last week. Now it's his heart attack. What's tomorrow night? Impotence?
8:45- Up next we have Cat's interview with Jeanine. First question: why do you wear slut wear? Regardless of her outfits, her hair is soooo pretty. I want to buzz it off and make a new wig for myself. Is that weird? Probably. Whatever. She's incredibly endearing when talking about how she almost had a heart attack when doing that horrendous Russian folk dance earlier in the season. You'd think that after Nigel had a heart attack he'd have some compassion. Nope.
8:46- Jeanine starts her solo with some classical work. But I can't help but look at the fact that she's got a rose in her mouth. Either that or she ate off part of Mary's dress. Whatever she did it's working once she does a multiple piroutte to end all multiple priouettes.
8:49- Adam: "You are such a beuatiful woman. I love your body. You don't need that stupid plastic flower." For a second I thought he was going to turn and say: "And Mary! You don't need that stupid plastic face!"
8:50- Mary: "You lift people!" Isn't that her doctor's motto?
8:55- Boys night now! Evan and Brandon together for the first time doing a "pop jazz" routine with Laurieann Gibson. She so crazy. It's REALLY necessary to wear giant pink headphones while you are choreographing. Never forget that. The producers get the two boys face to face arguing over who is going to win. Really it just looks like they're gonna kiss. Now they're dancing to "Nasty" by the one and only Janet Jackson. Rocking the leather jackets like in an old school video but they are a bit out of sync and phrasing the choreography differently, which makes Evan look a little behind. It would be nice if it went anywhere other than side to side. Evan shows his deficiency when he does a pique turn and loses his sense of placement. Technically Brandon is far superior but Evan is infinitely more endearing.
8:59- Adam: "Evan you got a little dusted. (Audience boos.) Hey this is my job." What? To make up fake phrases?"
9:00- Mary: "Evan, what's the nastiest thing you've ever done?" Wait. They're actually asking him. What if he said said: "That time I peed on Shankman's face" on national television? That might be just what we need to get Mary's face moving again.
9:01- Nigel: "Evan, there isn't a nasty bone in your body." (I think he could find one nasty bone.) "When you take nice guys and put them in nasty boys (WAIT. REALLY?!)...you get my Friday night."
9:06- Kayla and Jeanine are working with Mia Michaels on a contemporary routine. Cat: "Let's see what happens when they get together with Mia to have an orgy." Mia's in Andy Warhol drag tonight. (Thank god.) The piece travels from stage left to stage right and finds the two of them in layered skirts. It's already infinitely better than any other piece tonight. Mia just has a true sense of musicality that allows her pieces to transcend the confines of competition dance. Helps that she's working with classical music. Seeing Kayla and Jeanine side-by-side provides some interesting contrasts; Kayla has a far superior line but Jeanine has moments where she stretches out the music a bit better.
9:10- Mary: "It was a very relevant concept tonight: shedding all of those layers and getting naked in front of me."
9:12- Nigel hands the routine to Jeanine. I would like to hand Nigel his balls on a platter.
9:16- Cat and Evan are chatting. What will he take away from the competition? (I think it might start with a 'Bran' and end with 'don.') I forgot how good he was in the "butt" routine. Kudos to Mia for making dancers look the best they possibly can.
9:19- Wow. He has a hat on in his solo. And he does a tumbling pass? THIS IS COMPLETELY NEW! (Note the sarcasm.) Newest thing about his work tonight is the pit stains.
9:21- When Cat asks if it "did it" for Mary, she pauses, holds her arms up at nipple height and twists her palms. No need to continue, Mary. No need.
9:22- But continue she does: "Kudos on you," she says. Does anyone else thing she's being literal and talking about those chocolate covered granola bars called Kudos? Maybe she's gonna cover him in those and then eat him. That sounds like her style.
9:25- Tony and Melanie Midler are setting a jive for Evan and Kayla which basically signals the fact that the producers want them GONE. Doing it country style tonight with Kayle in cowboy boots and a weird tutu and blue top. She's bringing great energy to the routine tonight, finding nice suspension at the top of her flips but there is some awkward timing before the death spiral when she extends her arms and waits for him for far too long. Horrendous camera work and horrible lighting that blasts their skin tones makes the routine hard to watch.
9:30- Adam calls Melanie and Tony out on the routine not being finale level. Completely agree.
9:32- Mary and Nigel are working overtime to makeup for Adam's diss of the choreographers. They keep cutting to Melanie Midler and she is pulling some serious "Hocus Pocus" action in their direction.
9:33- I think the jidges are pulling some reverse psychology by constantly knocking Evan in order to get the voters to call for him.
9:37- Kayla and Cat are chatting. It's official: Kayla has the cutest grandfather on the planet. Nothing like seeing a tough guy cry. They show some clips of the superhero routine for three girls from last week which reminds me of the one true high point of that show. Not only do we get that clip but we get some "white lightening" from My Little Debbie. Kayla should win based purely on how incredible the Mia addiction piece was; it's the only lasting piece of the season in my opinion.
9:40- Kayla's final solo is to "Sweet Dreams' and starts with some of her trademark extension. I enjoy seeing how integrated her whole body is, but without a ridiculous pirouette like Jeanine had I fear the jidges won't flip.
9:42- Adam calls out Travis Wall as one of his all-time favorite dancers. I think they should just rename the show in his honor. Or maybe they'll have a piece tomorrow night where all the jidges slowly ram their heads up his ass. Could we still hear Mary scream if she was all the way up there?
9:43- Nigel pleas for the audience to vote for Kayla. Seriously, folks. She needs to win.
9:48- Final pair of the night is Jeanine and Brandon doing Louis Van Amstel's Paso Doble. They start across the stage from one another and charge in their black leather outfits. The music makes me feel like I'm at a gay bar in NY and from the look on Brandon's face I'm pretty sure that's where he wants to be, too. Certainly one of the season's stronger Paso Doble's. Jeanine does a very daring leap into a floor slide, solidifying her work as the night's most impressive dancer.
9:52- Adam: "You guys... you shredded tonight." So they shredded AND dusted tonight?! Can they come clean my apartment?!
9:53- What better way to end the season than to see a little Jake Wilson in the audience behind Louis Van Amstel?! So camera ready, Jakey! Can we get you up there next season? I have a feeling you'd help spice it up.
9:54- Nigel: "Get out of this stall and take this woman and do things with her." Oh, lord. He's on the prowl. Watch out season six dancers!
9:57- Cat: "Mary...can you be more of a man than Adam?" I really wish she would just stand up, pull her penis out, start screaming and end this season on a high note. (Or the lowest of all possible notes. I can't quite decide.)
Until the fall, Ranters. This has been SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE! Thanks for sticking with me! SPREAD THE RANT!
I'm so glad you catch the finer moments of this show! Nigel's comment at 9:01...brilliant! Thank you.
Posted by: Jere | August 05, 2009 at 10:12 PM
So you really dont' think you'll watch Season 6? not even to diss Tyce? Because I'll really miss your magnificent recaps!
Posted by: Joanna | August 05, 2009 at 10:56 PM
I definitely want to see more footage of Wade doing his own choreography...and I want to marry him. I think Evan will win because the judges are so hard on him.
Posted by: Ashleigh | August 05, 2009 at 11:23 PM
That addiction piece was so amazing. I agree.
Posted by: Marissa | August 06, 2009 at 07:04 PM
So you really dont' think you'll watch Season 6? not even to diss Tyce? Because I'll really miss your magnificent recaps!
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